RSSHumor Attempts Archives
June 27, 2010
Statements Never Uttered By Any Female, Ever
My instrumentation and research have identified 5 statements never ever ever uttered -- at least sincerely -- by any human female since the emergence of our species. Young, old, good, bad, radical, traditional, gay, straight, drunk, sober, right-wing or left wing, Palin or Steinem, hijab-bedecked or pole-dancing, none have ever said these and meant it.
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 12:34 PM | Comments (2)
April 15, 2010
Unrelaxing Auto-Blood Pressure Machine Incident
So I go to one of those in-pharmacy automated blood pressure machines. It will auto-grip my arm, and then squeeze it and tell me my blood pressure and pulse.
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 10:09 AM | Comments (0)
April 07, 2010
(Not quite) Gout Diary: THIS HURTS!
{Turns out it's an osteoarthritis of sorts, but close enough} DAY 1 – OMFG this HURTS! Toe humongous. Surrounding joints tender.
Continue reading "(Not quite) Gout Diary: THIS HURTS!"
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 10:23 PM | Comments (0)
December 13, 2009
Deep Linguistics Philosophy Question
If an unheard tree falling in the forest really doesn’t make a sound, is the absence of a word for that an illustration of onomatopoeia? Just asking.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 03:28 PM | Comments (0)
November 29, 2009
Religionphobic? Take the Quiz
You know who you are, and that you have it. Let’s name this condition with a more clinically pretentious sounding term: fideophobia (via Latin, fides, faith). Fideophobia is the hysterical fear of, or hostility towards, religious faith or those who observe one. I am not talking here about healthy skepticism, or even that Marxian ol’ time anti-religion that’s good enough for Mao. Nor do I mean hostility to specific faiths, which is something rival faith-holders can have for each other. For fideophobes I mean those who, after encountering just about any outward expression of religiosity, have a near-epileptic seizure.
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 10:54 PM | Comments (8)
November 08, 2009
QOTD -- Murder, Dismemberment: Crazy? Only If You Do it At Home
I kind of thought this quote from an AP article odd, regarding the alleged serial killer who is said to be of that unusual type who deposits his victims' remains in his own yard.
Sowell's alleged crimes place him among a rare breed of serial killers: those who literally work close to home. . . .. "The fact that they would dirty their own nest, as it were, is peculiar to me and suggests a level of mental illness or sickness," said Berrill, director of the New York Center for Neuropsychology and Forensic Behavioral Science.
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 05:57 PM | Comments (1)
April 12, 2009
Keynes Enabled
Keynesianism is only a few weeks into official respectability here in the superpower, and already there is self-parody. ("The idea's to stimulate the economy. So what if we blow a few billion on the wrong things? ")
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 07:24 AM | Comments (0)
March 17, 2009
Irish-American Contributions to America:
My annual, if increasingly outdated, not-so-reverent St. Patrick's Day look at my tribe's contributions to America. The part on the Irish (Gaelic) language is for us language nerds only but Irish-American contributions to municipal corruption, public vomiting, and terrorist fundraising are not overlooked.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 10:46 AM | Comments (1)
February 28, 2009
The Future in All Its Facebook Horror
Shamelessly poached via Jim Henley, comes this vision of the future.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 09:26 AM | Comments (0)
November 15, 2008
Gender Observation & Hair Care
I've come to the realization that no matter how destitute, bankrupt, broke, foreclosed-upon, forlorn, bereft, or empty-handed a woman may be, she always has enough to buy hair color. I picture in some post-feminist future a lost all-woman astronaut exploration trip to the Martian poles. They are found months later deceased in a horrible scene of scattered oxygen canisters, shredded food pouches, and nightmarish evidence of desperate cannibalism. But next to them, piled high in neatly stacked boxes and measured out on smudged plastic instruments, lie carefully mixed shades of Lady Clairol.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 08:59 PM | Comments (2)
September 24, 2008
Astronomers detect God (or could it be Satan?)
Sonya: “But if there is no God, then life has no meaning. Why go on living? Why not just commit suicide?”
Boris: “Well, let’s not get hysterical. I could be wrong. I’d hate to blow my brains out and then read in the papers they found something {gesturing skyward} .”
-- Love and Death (Woody Allen)
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 12:36 PM | Comments (0)
June 03, 2008
R.I.P. Harvey Korman
For those of us of a certain age in the USA, Harvey Korman was a funny performer on TV and in Blazing Saddles, among other things. (:"The Count de Monaaaay") But I especially liked this write up by a contemporary to myself in age who described us being raised, through Korman on the Carol Burnett show, “on a borscht-based diet of slapstick, ethnic exaggerations and groan-inducing puns." Holy cow! That's my range of humor exactly. Curse you, Harvey Korman. RIP, and now go do... that voodoo ... that you do ....so ....well. Looks like I'm not the only one to wish him that.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 10:10 PM | Comments (3)
November 03, 2007
Safe from Pakistani worries
This just in on Pakistan: "Musharraf’s leadership is threatened by an increasingly defiant Supreme Court . . . ." Well, glad we don't face any dangers like that here in the USA.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 11:08 PM | Comments (1)
June 10, 2007
Working on the Jane's Gang
First, there's Janes' All the World's Airships. Ok. Then, Jane's . . . . Fighting Ships. And Jane's Defence....Weekly. Now there's Jane's Defence Forecasts - Combat Vehicle Programmes, and Jane's Terrorism and Insurgency Centre.
I don't know who this Jane is but don't you get the impression she must be one helluva bitch?
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 02:30 PM | Comments (0)
March 18, 2007
Israeli bonds
The story has been abuzz of the Israeli Ambassador to El Salvador being found "in a street, drunk, wearing only bondage gear" with a rubber ball in his mouth (BBC). He was then recalled, if not fired, for "behaving indecently on a public thoroughfare." Now I see this dismissal as discouraging. FIrst, this is El Salvador, one country of the world in the past few years which has had a free election for an American-friendly Palestinian head of state. Even worse and most significant, however, is punishing that all too rare thing these days --- an Israeli diplomat associated with a compromising position.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 10:18 PM | Comments (5)
March 16, 2007
Top of the Mourning Ta Ya -- Our Irish contributions to America
In due honor of my privileges on my own little sub-blog space, and of the holiday of St Patrick, I link and re-excerpt an old essay on the contributions of my Gaelic forbears to these here United States. I do disclaim to the humor-impaired and ethnically hypersensitive. And also to those who might not be sufficiently a language nerd to stand the esoteric digression on the Irish language, aka Gaelic. Anyway, I give you here the contributions of my ancestors to this great land.
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 12:48 AM | Comments (5)
March 03, 2007
The Swiss: Now Europe's Big Cheese?
First, ominous noises about expanded war in the Middle East, and now this anschluss, right in the heart of Europe. I am sure it happened like clockwork too. But would this mean that neither the Vatican nor the Red Cross can be neutral?
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 01:49 PM | Comments (8)
February 20, 2007
Google, you %$^^ tease, you
I love Google and all its works. If the name wasn't so masculine, I'd probably have the hots for it. Especially as Google is essentially an inviting opening in which you insert yourself. But I want to take note of a rare pet Google peeve, perhaps a feminine vice, I call the Google Tease. I bet you share the peeve and teasing experience, and I've contrived a gibberish situation to make it work.
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 08:45 PM | Comments (3)
January 09, 2007
Is she speaking Farsi, and accurately?
The video is the place where all us suburban Americans first learned about the Middle East. Near the end, is she actually speaking (Farsi?, not Arabic for sure) and is it rendered accurately? I suspect it is either not her voice or it was dubbed in after reciting it in studio after much practice.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at 01:21 PM | Comments (23)
January 04, 2007
Automated Teller Machines (ATMs) Are Laughing At Us
I know it's irrational, but whenever I use an ATM, I always feel that the machine takes longer to give me money the lower my bank balance is. On the rare occasions I have high digits in the account, it's like {Amount} {$40} {Enter} {Accept}.{Beep}{instantly we hear: chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-flllrrrp} {"Please take your cash now"}. But when the balance is like double digits, it goes like this {Amount, $40} {Enter} {Accept} {Beep}........................................................................{advertisement on screen}.........................................{another beep}...............................................................................{Please wait}............................................{chuga-chuga-sudden stop}.......................................{another ad on screen}....................{me: "please work. please work"}.................{chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga} {no cash yet}..........{chuga-chuga-chugap}...{door opens slowly, creak}.........{pause}..........then the relieving sound of {flllrp}.{"please take your cash (before we pull it back)"}. And then, I swear for a too-fast-to-see microsecond it flashes some jeering remark.
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 08:15 PM | Comments (3)
December 21, 2006
Christmas, for Heathens
With the Aqoul readership an eclectic mess largely of various Mideast backgrounds, many being of locally-prevalent faiths or having apostasized therefrom, I thought I'd give some background on the Christmas holiday. Especially as it takes place among us Americans. There should be enough detail here to help you in the many trivia contests you'll being doing to pass your inevitable time in eternal hellfire.
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Posted by Matthew Hogan at 06:14 PM | Comments (12)
