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June 27, 2010

Statements Never Uttered By Any Female, Ever

My instrumentation and research have identified 5 statements never ever ever uttered -- at least sincerely -- by any human female since the emergence of our species. Young, old, good, bad, radical, traditional, gay, straight, drunk, sober, right-wing or left wing, Palin or Steinem, hijab-bedecked or pole-dancing, none have ever said these and meant it.

1. "Sure, do whatever you like in there, my kitchen is your kitchen."
In 1433, a peasant woman in Burgundy started to say that but she died of the plague before finishing and had already been declared "mad", "delirious" and "possessed of the daemonium".

A similar nearly-unused statement has been "I really don't care what condition the bathroom's in" but it was uttered sincerely on a number of rare occasions in the late 20th century after several rock concerts.

2. "Decorations? Who cares about the decorations?" Lumped in with this one is "who cares what color it comes in?" -- but a blind woman did indeed sincerely say that latter one in Brazil in 1773 (though she took it back a moment later). Helen Keller never ever even said that-- with her mouth or fingers.

3. "You know, in general, menstrual periods are kind of a blessing." Never been uttered by any human female*, not even religious fundamentalists. (This statement is not to be confused with the relieved appreciation of the arrival of a specific menstrual period following a "possible pregnancy panic".)

* Post-pubescent and non-transgendered females only, though none of those are clearly documented as having said so.

4. "You know, I really don't care what she/they think or say about me." OK, this one's been said quite a lot, but my instrumentation finds that no documented episode passes the sincere-o-meter. 100% insincerity. Now, to be fair, males also say this a lot too, but numbers show they are insincere about it only 99.9999993149689457% of the time.

5. " Nah, I'd love to eat that but I can't. It just goes straight to my breasts.". Never been said. A few males have said and meant this actually, more have thought it, but no females.

Posted by Matthew Hogan at June 27, 2010 12:34 PM
Filed Under: American Culture , Humor Attempts , Random Personal , Rants- General , Words


Idle curiosity is enveloping me - what was the precipitating event for this psot?

Also, re: #4 - if that were true, all women on the Pill would be on Seasonique. Personally, I can't say that bleeding is one of my favorite pastimes, but it does provide a certain...periodic reassurance.

Posted by: Eva Luna at June 28, 2010 01:14 PM

No specific event, that one's been sitting around gathering dust a bit for ages, lifelong observations. The point on #3, it's #3 not #4, is again not to the one informational advantage aspect.

Posted by: matthew hogan at June 28, 2010 01:39 PM

lol..proof that MEN really are from MARS!

Posted by: e at February 3, 2011 06:35 PM

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