A clipped female voice, vaguely British and thereby setting off some ancestral subconscious Irish apprehension, starts barking at me to relax and then "Remain absolutely still! Do not move as this test goes forward!"

Then it commands again, "Just Relax!"

So, what should I do? My arm is now entrapped in the hissing squeezing device. I can twist. . .

"DO NOT MOVE!" it says and then reminds me to, um, relax.

Reading material. There right in front of me, inches away, is this poster on the machine. It is the only thing I can now see as I am locked into a standing position where I must relax, yet keep absolutely still. Might as well read:

"High blood pressure can mean. .. " it says,

"STROKE. . . which can cause . . .

DEATH." ALL CAPS for the grim language.

"RELAX!" the disembodied pseudo-British nurse reminds again.

The beeping machine squeezes tighter. I escape to the next written panel in front of me:

"high blood pressure... can lead to HEART ATTACK . . and. . ."

You guessed it:

" DEATH"

Eyes dart over and away, to a panel subsection about eyes and high blood pressure.

No death, there, at least.

"high blood pressure. . . . leading to BLINDNESS".

"RELAX!" she barks again.

I glance down (moving only my now-possibly doomed eyeballs).

"KEEP ABSOLUTELY STILL!" mechanical Ms. Pseudo-Brit demands as I now watch the blinking light below me, which is my pulse.

Flash, flash, flash, the pulse light goes on soothingly, and then, no kidding . . . it stops mid-test!!

For a few moments and then the pulse light flashes again for a few seconds and then briefly . . . goes dark again.

"RELAX!" it barks for the last time as my pulse pops in and out of existence.

I kind of realize that it is simply adjusting at each stage where the now-shrinking pressure-sleeve grip slackenss.

Finally the display on this device of death and blindness and heart-stoppage lights up. A number.

111.

Not bad.

Wait, that's my pulse.