DAY 2 – IT STILL HURTS AND I’M USING A CANE. Shift to sneakers even in professional places of work.

DAY 3 – Eating ibuprofen (Advil) like M&Ms, now into my emergency stash. IT HURTS LIKE HELL. HOBBLING. Ice. Ben Gay. Cherries. Baking Soda. Water. Nothing helps. Humbug. Call doctor: can see me in three months or something. New sports medicine pain product promises to send their stuff . . . will arrive in . . . 10 business days. Thanks so much.

DAY 4 – It STILL FLIPPIN’ HURTS, but a little less. I can limp like a 80 year old man with a cane and just grimace quietly to myself. Thank God for over-the-counter non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs like ibuprofen. People look at me pityingly but still brush past me impatiently causing me to twist and IT HURTS LIKE HELL.

DAY 5 – Pain managed to go a little lower, but it appears to be only the effect of high doses of OTC pain medicine and not a remission of the flare up. Toe still fat. Gout pain creeps back annoyingly, especially if have to do high energy exotic tasks like, oh, walking or standing or moving or rolling over, or shifting weight or putting on socks and shoes or some other dramatic athletic step.

DAY 6 – Pain hidden a bit, thanks to ibuprofen. Liver has exploded from the doses but foot is merely shooting aches for now. It’s still there, the gout demon – a yellow “yucky” goo of uric acid deposits -- hiding, laughing, taunting, waiting for the respite from OTC pharmacological exorcism or restraint. Thank God for generics and non-government controlled substances.

New nightmare fear engendered by ibuprofen digestive effects occurs to me: What about Gout combined with . . . “the runs”, aka diarrhea. Wouldn’t that be like Dante’s Third Circle, normally reserved for infidels, witches, and usurers with loans exceeding prevailing LIBOR rates? Or does it compare to crucifixion itself?

DAY 7 – It may be getting better, or may be not. Small aches, less swelling on big toe. Full frontal cane use still in orderl. Getting semi-violent to brushers-by with my assault/fencing weapon.

DAYS after -- Still lingers. Doctor says x-rays suggest unlikely is gout but is an osteoarthritis on the joint. Give superduper anti-inflammatory. Am no longer inflamed.