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January 04, 2007
Automated Teller Machines (ATMs) Are Laughing At Us
I know it's irrational, but whenever I use an ATM, I always feel that the machine takes longer to give me money the lower my bank balance is. On the rare occasions I have high digits in the account, it's like {Amount} {$40} {Enter} {Accept}.{Beep}{instantly we hear: chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-flllrrrp} {"Please take your cash now"}. But when the balance is like double digits, it goes like this {Amount, $40} {Enter} {Accept} {Beep}........................................................................{advertisement on screen}.........................................{another beep}...............................................................................{Please wait}............................................{chuga-chuga-sudden stop}.......................................{another ad on screen}....................{me: "please work. please work"}.................{chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga} {no cash yet}..........{chuga-chuga-chugap}...{door opens slowly, creak}.........{pause}..........then the relieving sound of {flllrp}.{"please take your cash (before we pull it back)"}. And then, I swear for a too-fast-to-see microsecond it flashes some jeering remark.
I think the Flintstones -style dialogue below is going on between the machine and the bank's computer.
When account is full of cash.
ATM: Yo, J.P., hey, does this guy have cash? He wants $40.
Bank : Hmmm... oh, hell yes and plenty enough for your Starbucks-coffee-priced ATM-fee cut. Grab it on the way.
ATM: Hey thanks, getting it right over.
When the account is in double digits:
ATM: Yo, J.P., this guy got $40.?
Bank: Hmmm.....I don't see much in here.
ATM: He's waiting.
Bank: As well he should, this well is really dry. Let me double check. Maybe he's got some checks out too I can put a bounce fee on, the loser.
ATM: Standing by, and don't forget my fee.
Bank: Yeah........{micrmoments stretch to real moments}....oh, yeah he's barely got it. Must need it for a late payment.
ATM: Should I kick it over?
Bank: Guess we got to, you're covered too, but do me a favor.
ATM: What?
Bank: Make him sweat it.
ATM: Sure thing. People like him holding the richer ones up, I'll show him. Loser.
Bank: You know, I wish I could charge a "bounce" fee and then give it to him.
ATM: Only my retail brothers can do that for you, and boy do they!
Bank/ATM: {cackle hysterically}
Bank: Well, I gotta dock the account lower...... if that's possible. {guffaws}... Hey, you should see his last paycheck.
ATM: How bad?!
Bank: Can you say "temp"?.....Here's your cut.....Did you fork over to him his --pffft -- treasure?
ATM: Oh, yeah, almost forgot to do that. .. But you know what? I've been running the cash dispenser motor for like 20 seconds now. Look at him jump, look at him jump!!
Bank: Oh, I wish I could see that.
Of course, I know the above doesn't happen.
But we all know it does.
Posted by Matthew Hogan at January 4, 2007 08:15 PM
Filed Under:
Humor Attempts
Comments
Glad I'm not the only one who anthropomorphizes machines.
Posted by: eerie
at January 5, 2007 07:07 PM
Hi. I like your blog. Thanks for all that you do.
Signed,
An old white woman in Atlanta.
Posted by: tribalecho
at January 6, 2007 12:28 AM
I think it just seems to take longer when you know you haven't got much money in your bank account. You're wondering "Do I have enough or not" and because of this the ATM seems to take forever to spit out the notes. I have been there, many a time.
Posted by: Al Ain Taxi at January 16, 2007 09:51 AM

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